Breaking News!!

‘Fat Geographic Magazine’ in cooperation with ‘The Daily Mail’ come together to bring you an exciting turn of events:-


Breaking News! –wildlife threatens peaceful Aberdeen folk


Wild animal sightings have been the talk of the town these past few weeks as numerous reports were filed by jaywalkers, housewives, beggars and people that walk around dressed in kilts. These sightings all report various wild animals around Aberdeen in urban and commercial areas. The local police representative maintains that everything is being done to get the situation under control. “The wildlife authorities have been informed and have a team working on the problem as we speak,” said one tall and friendly Aberdeen policeman. In recent reports however, the Forest Animals Residence and Transport Investigators in Northern Grampian, (FARTING) have updated us on the current whereabouts of these rogue beasts. One FARTING representative said that they have been localized currently to an area called Spring Gardens. The irony is that although the animals found a place that seems like home by the sound of it, there are no springs or gardens anywhere in the area! The investigator was also kind enough to divulge his findings so far in relation to the types of wildlife you might see if you’re in the area and what to expect due to their varying behaviours.


The monkYi, a beautiful species of gibbon found in some Southern Asian countries has been spotted. Loud and hyperactive, this short primate has been number one on the sightings list. The number of reported sightings is close to a hundred and some people are getting paranoid when they hear funny sounds of screeching and laughter that the monkYi may be close by. The monkYi is also a scavenger and will eat practically anything. It steals most of its food and has ravaged a lot of the takeaways on George Street. It is also attracted to music and activity and has been spotted a number of times in the various local night clubs. If you happen to encounter the monkYi, FARTING advices the use of caution and avoidance. It may follow you and pretend to be cute, but be vary and do not feed it. If by any chance it does get a hold of some food, leave the food and do not fight, for it can get fierce when confronted. However, if the monkYi gets a hold of any form of chocolate (propelling it into a hyperactive rage), call 911 immediately.


Another animal, the Shallabee, was seen as well. Essentially a species of small kangaroo, the Shallabee has only been spotted twice, driving some to dismiss this creature as being a myth. Researchers say that the rarity of sightings is due to the fact that this animal is a solitary one and is accustomed to hiding out in bushes and other concealed places. Considerably quiet and shy, this animal is known to be one of the most silent creatures of the animal kingdom and the opposite of the monkYi. Originally found in Australia, scientists believe the intention of the Shallabee is to go home, making it unbelievable that the creature ended up in Aberdeen. Eating habits include leaves, grass, anything green found in the forest making it a pure herbivore. On the rare occasion that investigators have spotted the Shallabee, they have also seen the monkYi and another animal, the Slotheline in its company. Interestingly enough, the Shallabee was found to be noisy and have an elevated activity level in the company of these other creatures.


The Slotheline that was just mentioned is also rarely seen, but still more so than the Shallabee. Unlike the Shallabee, the rare sightings of the Slotheline are because of reasons relating to its name. Being the most somnolent species of mammal, this rare species of sloth sleeps 18-20 hours a day. FARTING investigators are stunned as this animal has never been seen outside the confines of south and Central America. Another distinguishing fact about the Slotheline is that it moves extremely slowly, ground speeds average at 1 foot a minute and in confrontation with predators like the Herbear its maximum ground speed can reach 5 feet a minute. If by any chance you encounter the Slotheline, it will probably be during the night as it is almost completely a nocturnal being. FARTING investigators once again say be cautious because the monkYi or Shallabee might be close by.


On a more dangerous note, the Herbear was seen around the spring garden area as well. Bears generally lead solitary lives and the Herbear is no exception. It keeps to itself and goes out hunting once in a while. These sightings have alarmed investigators for the Herbear can cause major injuries and harm or even death. The Herbear has a brief courtship period and although it has been known to take up to seven female ‘wives’, it will still stay in solitude unless it has a good reason to come out. The Herbear has a ferocious appetite and unlike the Shallabee is mainly carnivorous. It has been known to consume up to five times its body weight in meat. Easily angered by noise, the Herbear has been seen chasing smaller animals and unfortunate Aberdeen civilians that happen to wander too close. The investigator related one series of events he witnessed where the Shallabee, monkYi and Slotheline were chattering noisily outside the Herbear’s cave. Having been asleep, the Herbear awoke and chased them all away. On other occasions, these creatures have been seen to flee at the sight (or sound) of the nearing Herbear.


Lastly, there also have been reports of a certain species of wild mule wandering about the area. The Samule is known to be an innocent but playful creature. Constantly bullied by animals like the monkYi, Shallabee and Slotheline, it gets along surprisingly well with the Herbear. Regularly seen with the monkYi, the Samule is constantly harassed and abused by the other wild creatures that roam the area. Holding no grudges and reacting surprisingly well to this torture, the Samule has quickly become a greatly loved animal among the locals and animals alike. Characteristic behaviour includes keeping things clean and tidy, preparing nice food (constantly stolen by the monkYi) and helping to carry heavy loads and plow fields. Investigators are confused as they have never seen a wild animal acting so domesticated before. The Samule has also been known to excrete pheromones in the air that attract the female of the species although reporters have only noted males in the area.


Latest reports have also shown that newer and potentially more dangerous species of animals have migrated into the area from remote parts of Asia. These include creatures like the Anitaconda, baBoonupottamus and the once thought to be extinct brown Thavasaurus Rex.


In light of this recent threat, authorities are recognizing the danger and have passed a law called the Forest Legislation Advocating the Termination of Unwanted Species (FLATUS). One local authority figure quoted, “Aberdeen locals can rest well for now that we have FLATUS, we will not hesitate in eliminating the eminent threat posed by these immigrant creatures.”


Extract from the “Fat Geographic Magazine’-18:20-23, (2007) c/o:-
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